i don't ever think i am better than anybody, but i do know what i deserve and who deserves my time! 

LET'S TALK BS!

Have you ever had to dumb yourself down for someone? Playing the fool, just too see how they play the game. Whole time in the back of your mind you know what's right and what's wrong. Having to play like you weak but you know in your right mind you're strong and shit really don't phase you lol. I can't. like i literally cannot. Long story short, i played the fool for a few weeks with someone. Literally acted like i had no back bone. I was just waiting too see how this dude was gone react to certain things. It got to a point where i just had to laugh at him and myself. lol the fact that this dude would really think i'm that weak minded. like i really absolutely needed him! 

Put it like this, when someone knows they want you, they don't put nothing or nobody else before you! Your needs become their needs! Your wants become their desire to fulfill. You shouldn't have to tell anyone that they need to show you true commitment. You shouldn't have to tell them that they need to respect you and love you the right way. If i have to tell a guy that, and right then and there and he don't man up and drop all the bullshit, then nigga i don't WANT OR NEED YOU PERIOD!

Most of the shit is common sense. and if you are not sure how to act in relationship, then don't go seeking one! It's so funny when i dude want a female to stay to herself and not fuck with anyone while he out being a HOE! Boy bye. You ain't putting no ring on my finger! Hell, you can't even stay committed!!


OH AND BY THE WAY, IT'S 2017! NO I WILL NOT COME GET YOU AND JUST CHILL!!! NO, I DO NOT WANT TO JUST CHILL AND THEN STAY THE NIGHT! NO, MY APARTMENT IS NOT A HOTEL! NO, YOU ARE NOT MY BOYFRIEND NOR ARE WE SERIOUS, SO NO I DO NOT HAVE TO COOK FOR YOU! NO, DON'T ASK ME FOR ANYTHING I CAN'T ASK YOU FOR!!! 

GROW UP!!!!!!!!

Why do i have to keep lowering my standards for these no nothing ass niggas! If i got my own money, why can't i want a man who got his own money?? If i got a car, why can't i want a man who has to have a car??? If i got my own place, why can't i want a man who got his own place??

i can only play the fool for so long baby! i am not weak minded! i will not bow down to you. i will not treat you like a king and you don't treat me like a queen. fuck outta here! Only a insecure ass female will keep taking back the same nigga who keeps doing her wrong! 

LORD, you know the man i need/the man i want! 

and Sis, if you CLEARLY FOUND OUT HE WAS FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE ON THE SIDE, then what the hell are you crying for??? God, just sent you a sign babygirl. God just sent you a blessing! He is showing you that this is NOT THE GUY HE PICKED OUT FOR YOU! We gotta stop getting so damn hurt over these niggas who ain't worth a damn penny! 

Niggas now n days just want a female that's WEAK! They want a female who ain't gone say nothing or go crazy if she find out he out here fucking around on her. Stay away from those type of niggas sis! if he always calling you crazy because you ALWAYS calling him out on his shit, stay away from him! As i said, only insecure females deal with that bullshit! they don't love themselves enough to walk away. and if my nigga left me for you...bitch have him! i don't have time for a back and fourth, wishy washy ass nigga! 

That's all, thanks for reading! i just had to vent.

Reggae music is literally like my new thing. im so in love. They're like the ancestors of Erykah Badu. 

summer came around and the flowers bloomed. he became the sun, i became the moon

a queen should protect her king, as a king should protect his queen. and when that kingdom fails, the love shall still be there. But i won't dwell, cause life was never promised to be fair. With open arms, you may come back in. But please keep your distance, for we may not sin again. Our castle was filled with love, maybe lust. but it has fallen because you my love, i could not trust. From roses and sweet scents, to dust and cloudy vents. The flame arised, and when i woke up, you were no longer by my side. Tears swept the floor, and drowned the bed. They say what's unknown is better left unsaid. A queen is still a queen, a king is still a king. May our spirits criss-cross for whenever that may be. If our kingdom reunites, be ready to put up a strong fight. For we would have to start over, building from the ground up. My heart tells me it will be beautiful, as long as you don't fuck up!

my ex love them ugly bitches lol

candles lit ❤ incense burning...feel my vibe. Its only the beginning. Taking my time. read me. learn me.

bag lady, you gone hurt you back. dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on too, is you.

movies.movies. and more movies ❤

Wednesday. my favorite day of the week. It's the middle of the week. You're halfway through your week. Each day is a new chance to better yourself. Don't dwell on yesterday. make everyday better than yesterday. my best advice i could ever give someone is to get your rest. learn how to hibernate. stay in touch with yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically. stop making time for everyone else. isolate. take as many hours or days to your self as you need. give the whole week or weekend to yourself. rest. it's the best thing you could ever do for you. anyone who knows me well knows i am all about getting my sleep, literally. i will schedule my naps. (crazy right) i don't care. my sleep means everything to me. and it's not being lazy i work my 8-5 Monday - Friday, i'm in school and i am in the army. so yes, sleep/rest is very very important to me.

i like my men with a good heart and good intentions. But, he also has to have that slight edge of hood, that bad boy demeanor. 

it feels so damn good waking up with a peace of mind. waking up everyday happy. waking up everyday feeling blessed. i feel content. I've isolated myself from toxic people, toxic vibes. i let go of toxic habits. i feel great. and i refuse to let anyone take me out of my element. take me out of my vibe. only the strong survive. 

i have become selfish with my time and guarded with my presence. 

I now cater to myself more than i cater to others

i started stating exactly how i feel, holding nothing back

my heart is still good, while my intentions remain pure.

speak this into existence ✨

baby you don't know what you do to me, between me and you i feel the chemistry. I won't let no one come and take your place. Cause the love the you give, it can't be replaced. 

                                 RIP Aaliyah

Westside, Outlaws, Makaveli the Don, Solo, Killuminati, The 7 Days. 

Can i get a window seat? Don't want nobody next to me. I just want a ticket out of town, a look around, and a safe touch down. Window seat, don't want nobody next to me. I just want a chance to fly, a chance to cry. and a long bye bye

settled in

I sign my lease to my new apartment today. Thank you God ❤ #changes2k17

restore and regrow. relax and replenish.my key for the next few months is to lay low. fall back in love with myself and out of love with everyone else (besides family) i want to get back to doing the things that make me happy. expanding my horizons. making physical and mental changes. i just signed a lease on a new spot, i plan to create a beautiful, peaceful atmosphere out of it. i have a few things in mind that i would love to get started on right away. By December, i'm trying to see a difference in myself.

WESTSIDE!

YOU MF'S KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I'M ON THIS TRACK YALL NIGGAS AIN'T EVEN ON MY LEVEL

DON'T BE UPSET, IT'S GOOD SEX, WHEN YOU NEXT TO ME, DO YOU WANNA TEST ME, PUT YOUR TIRED HEAD ON MY CHEST, A THUG NIGGA'S IN THE HOUSE, NOW YOU CAN REST


POUR OUT SOME LIQUOR AND I REMINISCE, CAUSE THROUGH THE DRAMA, I CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON MY MAMA

GRAB YA GLOCKS WHEN YOU SEE TUPAC

I WON'T DENY IT, IM A STRAIGHT RIDAH, YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH ME, GOT THE POLICE BUSTIN AT ME, BUT THEY CAN'T DO NOTHING TO A G

CAN'T TRUST A BITCH IN THE BUSINESS, SO I GOT WITH DEATH ROW

CALL THE COPS WHEN YOU SEE TUPAC

WE GOTTA START MAKING CHANGES, LEARN TO SEE ME AS A BROTHER, INSTEAD OF TWO DISTANT STRANGERS.

I SEE NO CHANGES, ALL I SEE IS RACIST FACES, MISPLACED HATE MAKES DISGRACE TO RACES

MAKAVELI

THUG NIGGA TILL WE DIE, NO MERCY ON THESE PLAYA HATIN BITCHES, ASK ME WHY, WHEN WE RIDE

FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET GIRL KEEP YA HEAD UP


AND EVEN AS A CRACK FIEND MAMA, YOU ALWAYS WAS A BLACK QUEEN MAMA. 

MAKAVELI IN THIS KILLUMINATI, ALL THROUGH YOUR BODY

THE BLOW'S LIKE A TWELVE GAUGE SHOTTY

FOLLOW ME, EAT MY FLESH, FLESH AND MY FLESH

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TUPAC AMARU SHAKUR, 6.16.1971

I LOVE YOU!

I really been blogging for three years now, another 2014 . . 


If I tell you I need you, do not take it lightly. I do everything I can to never have to depend on anyone, to never show weakness, and if I say that I need you, it means I am trusting you to catch me when I fall.

never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars. 

I wrote this post back in 2014...it will forever be my favorite



First off, I'd like to take the time to apologize to the power above me...god. I love the saying "Let Go, Let God" it's so powerful. Yet sometimes I am to scared to let go. For some reason I feel like I'm letting go of all my troubles and giving them to someone else. Well obviously that's what the quote means clearly, but... It's like idk, I'd be so stubborn and think that if I hand my problems to someone else, they're going to mess up what I think is going right or what I want to go right. I've been so stupid. Realizing everything happens for a reason, in which I am a strong believer of that quote....but I had to realize it's not working out because it's not meant to work out, it may NOT be meant to work out RIGHT NOW at this very second in my life. God has better things planned for me. He knows what's ahead me. He already knows what troubles I am going to face down the road, but those obstacles will just make me stronger mentally. I've been through so much my whole life, in which I'm sure we all can relate. Everybody has a story. You have to sit back and realize your story was made for a reason. Love your life story, embrace it! Embrace all your struggles, your hard times, and your good times! Embrace everything god has given you... and be thankful for those bad times and good times. I just get so caught up in what I'm doing, I get so stressed. And sometimes it's like I don't want to hand it over to another person...I want to work it out myself and organize everything myself. After awhile I realize I can't do it. I can't handle all that's being thrown at me! I love the fact that I am mentally strong because I WILL put myself through something for the longest trying to fix it, make it right, make it go my way.....until finally....I just break. That's when I become humble. I fall back. I realize who sits above me. I apologize to him for ignoring his abilities to help me. and then I pray again. But with me it's a never ending cycle. Once I get so caught up in something, I try and try and try to make it go my way no matter what it takes. I came to realize that I'm not asking for a handout.....I'm just asking for guidance, strength, protection, and love.

All my real doggs still kick it with me

All my down hoes still tricking with me

All the true gangsta's know

Nate ain't never love no hoe

All the hood rats still shake it for me

All my true fans still check it for me

All the real smokers know

Nate ain't passing nothing but dope indeed

Real Trees

Chronic Leaves

No seeds

NAME THAT SONG . . .

Starts off like a small town marriage, lovely wife and life, baby carriage
Now all the stars have cars, Success of course.
But it ends in, Hollywood Divorce
Hollywood Divorce. 

You can run the streets with your thugs, I'll be waiting for you. Until you get through, I'll be waiting. 

What i thought i had, was never really mine. It was all a mind game. Telling me you love me from time to time. I was really feeling you, you really had me going. Fussing and cussing, configuring on which way our relationship was really going. You told me i was your future wife, then turned around and slit those words up with a sharp ass knife. My presence is a privledge. I make time for who i want. Whenever you told me you missed me, i'd try to make it to you by dark. Lying beside you, was always a good feeling. Kissing and touching all over me, making me feel like a queen, with the world beneath me. You didn't have much to give, and i never asked for much. I just wanted a cute ass date night with only us. So i could just stare you down all night and admire what you had done for me. Ending the night off in your arms, making you feel so close to me. At this point, it will never be the same. Im sorry i couldnt keep up and enjoy playing your mind games.

I just hope your happy

when our bodies touched, nothing else mattered. You made me feel secure. I felt safe. All my problems went away.

pretty girl spread your wings, fly high and never turn back.

my generation and the generation after me are the worst. I honestly hate my generation. There is no trust, there is no respect. There is no loyalty. There is only Selfishness. Hate. Rudeness. Everybody wants to be in competition. Bragging about what they don't really have. Lazy.

I was born with an old soul.

The materialistic things don't impress me. I'd rather read a book than sit on social media all day. I'd rather watch movies, eating my ass off the whole weekend rather than hanging in the clubs. I like to stay behind the scenes. Im not flashy. I don't care to be well known. I don't care to have all the "hoes" i don't follow the crowd. I don't care to do what everyone else is doing. I'd rather lay by myself every night than lay with just anyone just to feel wanted. I'd rather talk to myself rather than talk to someone who really isn't listening. I'd rather sit by myself in a room full of people and observe.

I have a big ego. But i am very humble about it. I know who i am. I know what i stand for. I know what i bring to the table. I never second guess myself. People always tell me they love how refined i am and how i carry myself. To me that is the biggest compliment. It shows that i don't have to be pushy and always in someones face to get attention. People notice me simply for just being myself. Laidback, chill, the pretty girl sitting over there. Ill never change for no one.

when i met you last night baby...before i blew your mind. I thought we had a chance baby

no more! 

now that i'm sober you ain't that fine.

i don't like liars. i don't like cheaters. walk away from me before you do these things. it is not fun getting hurt. it is not fun having your heart played with over and over. it is not fun to keep crying over the same bullshit. just be real with me. that's literally all i ask. be honest with me always. it would hurt a lot less if you would just be real from the start. 

i always get asked Why am i Single? What do i look for in a guy? So here it is. I'll just jump right to the point I AM A SPOILED BRAT! not necessarily saying "my way or the highway"  I just want my man to spoil me with his affection, his kisses, his touch, his attention, his time. I need my man to always keep me uplifted in high spirits. I need a man who will go out of his way for me. I am a super big cry baby. If i feel like i am not getting what i need from him, my bratty side will start to come out. I don't ever expect a man to bow down and do whatever the heck i say. I just simply ask for RESPECT. He should not have a problem showing me off. Letting the world know he's mine. I just want all his love. A man who will give his woman the world is the man for me. I like funny guys. A guy that can keep me laughing is a blessing. Laughing, joking around, just being goofy all around is one of my favorite things. He has to be able to understand my humor, my love, my anger, my signs i give him when i start feeling like things aren't going as should. I want my man to be able to READ ME LIKE A BOOK. More importantly, i need a man who promises to protect me physically and mentally. I also want a man who loves giving surprises, cause i love surprises. I just want my man to love me with every vein in his body. As i will do the same.

As a woman, i promise to give my man support, all my love, all my affection. I promise to cater to him every day and night. I promise to make him feel like he is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I promise to be my mans strength when he is weak. I promise to RESPECT him to the absolute fullest. I promise to fulfill his needs the best that i can. My baby gone have the world. As long he does good by me, lord knows i promise to do good by him. He just won't understand how much love i will have in heart for him. My heart has been broken and played with too many times. Once i finally have a man who will treat me like the woman i am, the queen i am, i PROMISE i will love him like i've loved no other. I do ask for marriage and babies! He HAS to want marriage and babies!!! I promise to be a loving, respectful, caring, mother and wife. 

But how will i know? How will i know when i have met that one? I don't know. It's all in Gods Hands. I will not force nothing to be that does not want to be. To my Fine ass Future Boyfriend/Husband....Just know baby that i will love you more than anyone has ever loved you before. I will make sure you are always good. I will always help your stay on your feet. My goal is to help you reach your goals. and believe that no other man will have NOTHING on you. 

First time when i saw you boy, it was a warm and sunny day.
All i know was i wanted you, i really hoped you looked my way.
You smiled at me so warm and sweet, i could not speak.
You make me feel like a little bitty girl, what do you do to me?

You looked at me with certainty
I couldn't look away
Took your jacket off
like you were here to stay.

Chasing your pretty thoughts
and your plastic love

There goes my mind
Let it go
You're that laced trimmed danger
One day you'll be the face of a stranger.

I couldn't look away
Chasing your pretty thoughts
You're mine

Your sinking in my soul
Chasing your pretty thoughts

In intervals, you're sinking in
You're sinking in my soul

Thought to myself:
"Don't, don't you lose control!"

Started to undress you
with my wandering eyes
Told myself you'd be gone by sunrise

Cause you're that laced trimmed danger
One day you'll be the face of a stranger

what you do

what you do

what you do to me

making me feel so alive...

breath you in i am getting so high.

would you be my paradise?

ooh hey, I'm trying to decide

Which way to go, Think i made a wrong turn,

Back there somewhere.

Tried to run, but i lost my way, Stopped to watch my emotions sway.

Knew the toll but i would not pay

You never know how the cards may lay.

Time to save the world, Where in the world is all the time

So many things i still don't know

So many times I've changed my mind

Guess i was born to make mistakes

But i ain't scared to take the weight

So when i stumble off the path

I know my heart will guide me back.

Love is life and life is free

Take a ride of life with me

Free your mind

and find your way

There will be a brighter day.

AND I CAN'T EVEN TRIP,

CAUSE I'M JUST LAUGHING AT YA

YOU TRYING HARD TO MAINTAIN

BUT GO HEAD,

CAUSE I AIN'T MAD AT YA!

If i was your best friend, I'd want you around all the time.

Can i be your best friend, If you promise you'll be mine.

WHO WAS A BETTER A RAPPER,

BIGGIE OR TUPAC?

One of the most controversial questions...

I look at it like this..

Both rappers were amazing storytellers.

But how can you even compare? 

Biggie and Pac had 2 different rhythms.

Biggie was more laid back, a relaxed Poet who had a lot of stories  to tell with lots of added imagery and detail.

Pac was more of a  "Ruff Ryder" "Thug Life" "All up in your Face" type of Rapper. Pac made sure his voice was heard in every song. Pac rapped specific facts about running the streets, selling drugs, being in jail, and his struggle. He rapped strictly off of his life experiences and exactly what he went through.

Yes, Biggie rapped about the streets, selling drugs, being in jail and so on. But Biggie told non-fiction and fiction stories. I think of Biggie as someone who could tell a dope ass bedtime story.

Pac gone tell you exactly how it is. He states nothing but facts.

Although the rumors say "Who Shot Ya?" wasn't a sneak diss towards Pac...just listen to the difference between "Who Shot Ya?" and "Hit em Up" . . . You can clearly hear the difference in their rhythm!

IT'S HARD TO SAY WHO WAS BETTER!

They both talked about the same ish just in two different ways. 

Put it like this, Both Rappers Were Great. Freaking Fantastic!

But if i were to pick who these rappers were to do a collab with...


I would put Big with Jayz...Their style is the same. Hell, Jayz den stole a couple of Biggie's lines. I don't think he was doing it in bad way, but more just showing respect/praising one of his best friends. 


Pac, i would most deff put with N.W.A. BEFORE the group split up. Pac and NWA deff had some similarities. 

This is just my PERSONAL OPINION.

RIP BIGGIE SMALLS AND TUPAC SHAKUR

Grab ya glocks, when you see Tupac

Call the cops, when you see Tupac,

Who shot me, but ya punks didn't finish

Now ya 'bout to feel the wrath of a menace

Nigga, I hit em' up

PRETTY GIRLS DON'T ARGUE OVER LAME GUYS 

😍

It's rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual

A step-by-step booklet for you to get
Your game on track, not your wig pushed back

Rule Number Uno, never let no one know
How much dough you hold cause you know
The cheddar breed jealousy 'specially


Number 2, never let 'em know your next move
Don't you know Bad Boys move in silence and violence?


Number 3, never trust no-bo-dy
Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up
Hoodied and masked up, shit, for that fast buck
She be laying in the bushes to light that ass up

Number 4, I know you heard this before
Never get high on your own supply

Number 5, never sell where you rest at
I don't care if they want a ounce, tell 'em bounce!

Number 6, that goddamn credit? Dead it
You think a crackhead paying you back, shit forget it!

7, this rule is so underrated
Keep your family and business completely separated
Money and blood don't mix like 2 dicks and no bitch
Find yourself in serious shit

Number 8, never keep no weight on you!


Number 9 shoulda been Number 1 to me,
If you ain't gettin' bagged stay the fuck from police
If niggas think you snitchin' they ain't trying to listen
They be sittin' in your kitchen, waiting to start hittin'

Number 10, a strong word called consignment
Strictly for live men, not for freshmen
If you ain't got the clientele, say "hell no!"
'Cause they gon' want they money rain sleet hail snow
Follow these rules you'll have mad bread to break up

If not, 24 years on the wake up


NAME THAT RAPPER....

Have you ever been so sleepy and haven't had any sleep in almost 3 days, your brain aches, you don't feel like yourself, everything annoys you and then finally you go to bed early, sound asleep, and wake up feeling like God just blessed you in your sleep cause same. 

one thing i don't like is being ignored.

So this one is for you!

You know who im talking too!

I know one day you will read this!

I know you still checking on me...

I know you still feel for me.

You know i use to love the crap out of you . . . did anything for you. Answered your every phone call. Came to see you whenever you wanted me too.

But you wouldnt give me what i wanted. You never wanted to commit. You kept me close to your heart yet far on your side like i was your side chick.

You told me once, you felt like i was a piece of you. You said you felt as if i was never going to leave you.

I had to separate myself from you for a few reasons, not just one. You played with my mind, making me cry, making me think one day we'd be together, thinking you would always be by my side.

This goes out too you.

Because i use to love you and i know you loved me too!

For whatever reason, you just didn't want to cross that line. Telling me i was the only girl you was messing with but i knew you was lyin

. . . . .

Yet, i still stuck around and stayed for awhile. Praying to god, hoping that one day you would come around.

Your name use to cross my mind everyday..

...............................now i barely think about you.

Im still wishing the best for you, my prayers and blessings go out to you.

Cause i could never hate you.

They say everything happens for a reason. I guess we weren't meant to be together.

I brain washed myself for so long thinking you were the only man for me. I was hoping for marriage and babies. Praying one day we'd have a happy family.

I hope you find that girl. That one that touches your heart. Hopefully yall last and never fall apart!

If i ever cross your mind, i hope you remember how down i was for you.

In my heart, i still believe, that you will never find a girl who was there for you like i was.

Cause i prayed to god about you so much, that no other woman could touch . . .

Or compare...

Cause sweetie that love i had for you is very rare. . .

In our generation!

But i aint gone talk you to death, imma end this right here. . .

Just remember if i ever cross your mind, i hope you reminisce on how much i was there . . .

for you, and only you.

This goes out to you!

Ive been listening to Biggie, Pac, Jayz, and Nas so much lately!

I realized how great of story tellers these guys are...

Overcoming obstacles, adjusting to change, facing fear!

Ive fallen in love with their music soo much more ❤

when is the last time you picked up a book and read it?

If it's been along time, go buy a book today, tomorrow, this week!!

Reading is so relaxing! Especially when you are reading a book you are truly interested in.

It puts you in a whole nother world. Me personally... I love mystery, murder, crime scene investigation books.

Reading takes you away from reality.

Its like a mini vacation ❤

If you are interested murder, mystery books... Karin Slaughter is an AMAZING author 😌  ...Thank me later!

Discipline yourself and your emotions enough to where you can forgive and let go for good. For the sake of your own well being and good health, do not keep allowing someone or something into your life that does not uplift your good spirits in the most positive ways. Let a demon be a demon...don't keep keep allowing it in your life. It's hard letting go but just give it time. Time heals everything.

Mothers Day..

i mean i guess it's cool,

when you actually have a mom!

My mother didn't raise me, 

as a matter a fact, 

she left me when i was 5

Drugs,

drug addiction...

She was addicted and couldn't stay away.

Still alive to this day,

blessed that she is still here...

But the disappointment and broken heart

will always be there!

Don't get me wrong, i love my mom

to pieces...

but my hearts hurts every day,
especially on this day....

.....Mother's Day!

As I've gotten older, I've had to teach myself how to grow into a woman. How to carry myself. As a child, i was numb that i didn't have a mom. I didn't realize how much of an impact it actually has on my life. Everyday i wish my mom would've raised me. I wish for that mother daughter relationship. Everyday...

Even now, we try to make our conversations on the phone longer....but there is not much to talk about. Sometimes i won't tell her "I love you" on purpose. Because i know it will hurt her. Sometimes i want her to feel how her absence has made me feel my whole life. 

But who is to blame?

The closest person to me is my brother. Litho, my best friend. I look at their relationship with eachother and just wonder why she is not as close to her daughter as she is to her son. She birthed both of us. But yet, them too have a closer connection. 

i don't know.

Effing Drugs...

took my mom away from me. 

But who is to blame?

I'll have my mother daughter relationship one day with my daughter(s). I want sons too. But more than anything i want little girls. So i can give them so much love! So i can give them that relationship that i always wanted with my mom.

I see myself in the future with my daughter lying on my chest, fast asleep. While tears pour from my eyes because i am so damn happy to have her. 

Lord knows how bad i want it!

Sucks that i never had a mother to give too on Mother's Day!

I would love to spoil my mom everyday.

But them drugs.....

Them drugs won't allow her to be with me. 

The devil brainwashed her into thinking he was better for her. NOT her kids. The devil told her that he will hold her captive for the rest of her life. He won't ever let her go. and she can't leave. She's tried. She's tried plenty of times. But she goes back...

She's loves him.

I hate him!!

But who is to blame?

Not me 

Not my mom

Not my brother

Here is a letter to my mom:

Mom,

I love you.

I will always love you.

I'm thankful that you are still here

Although i always fear getting that phone call in the middle of night,

that phone call...informing me that he has killed you! 

I still love you!

I still pray that one day, we still could have that mother daughter relationship.

But you have to leave that devil alone ma,

he is no good for you! Can't you see how bad he has affected our relationship? Does that even matter to you? Do you think about how i cry myself to sleep sometimes at night thinking about you? hell i'm crying right now as i write this letter to you.

I hope you find the strength to leave him mother!

if you just look up and see the light, you will see i'm still standing right here waiting for you ma. i never left you. i never judged you! i still love you!

I just want you. I want my Mom. 

oh.....before i forget, 

Happy Mothers Day,

I love you

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

the first post i made in 2014.....

I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and emotions verbally.

I've decided to try out this blog thing, to give outsiders a simple

insight of my mind. Sometimes my mind get's so clustered that

I get distracted, my thoughts lose direction, and everything

sprials and falls out of place.

I find it easy and relaxing to write.

Mentally

Connect

With

Me

. . .

so my semester is over and i have alot of free time on my hands

Im not taking any summer classes.

My goal this summer is only to fall in love with myself...

take random trips out of state
experience new things

I just want to do more.

Ive dedidcated half my life to school and work to the point where i completely forget to do things for myself first.

Ill be moving to another city, far from anyone i know.

So i can be alone purposely!

Im taking this time off to truly get back in touch with myself and become my own bestfriend ❤

you ever just want to lay in someones arms in complete silence?

i dont want to say a word,

I just want to be held.

my silence says it all

you ever want to be someones weakness and you..their strength?

Someone who makes it all right.

A simple hug with a few words "everything will be okay"

I can openly admit that i put so much on myself at once. I stress. I have anxiety.

I feel like the only man who will ever complete me is the one who is so willing to hold me and okay with me being quite for awhile. He just knows. He understands. The one who will take my hand and kiss me until the day ends.

one friend 

to connect with...

build and communicate with..

I've been longing to meet

one match as a friend

same similarities...

same interest..

just one

that friend.

no, i am not referring to a guy

a girl; a bestfriend

so we can have girl talk

over glasses of wine

just one,

who will give me nothing

but raw honest

opinions.

one friend.

Unfinished Business

So let's talk about when i first met you..

February 14th....remember?

i remember lol

You were the only guy who told me Happy Valentines Day.

Of course, normally, well honestly....

I don't care for Valentines day.

and io knew in the back of my mind that i wasn't the only girl who you had said that too.

So after talking to you for about a day...

Baby you had me hooked...

I still remember bits & parts of our first conversation.

As i recall, you were at your friends house playing pool,

as i was layed up in my bed, thinking to myself

"Who is this guy?"

"Why is he acting like he is oh so interested?"

Blushing to myself every time you called me beautiful :)

I'll never forget your exact words....

"So you mean to tell me a girl as beautiful as you is by herself on Valentines Day!"

All i could do was laugh and respond with "yeah"

Secretly hoping to myself that you would ask me on a date.

Surprisingly, you did :)

If i remember correctly, it was a Sunday night.

We went to go see Kevin Hart's About Last Night

After the movie, we sat in the car and talked.

It was a good night....

It only took a few days before i was in your bed lying next to you!

You naturally made me laugh,

you naturally made me smile :)

It was like this weird cool ass vibe we had.

We found out we were both Leo's

i thought to myself how cute,

King and Queen!!

It only took a few weeks before you were officially mine and i was yours!

But of course,

outside of this weird cool as thing we had going on, there was reality.

I had work and school.

You had a job...until you quit.

Which led you to spend more time at home playing video games.

and since i had my own life outside of our relationship...i couldn't spend as much time with you as you or myself would've like.

I spent the night with you when i could.....but i guess that was not good enough.

You had so much free time on your hands that it led you to converse with other females.

Giving them your attention, making them feel all special and shit.

I saw myself losing focus on my studies.

My homework turned into checking your IG every night. Creepin on other girls pages to see what you were saying to them.

After our break up....

i found myself crying, balling my eyes out in my grandpa's arms feigning for comfort.

i hated you!!

you disgusted me!!

After our break up,

you constantly called me..apologizing and wanting me back.

All i could say each time was 

"I need my space"

At the time, i don't believe you knew what that meant because you never stopped calling.

Understand that i was hurt.

Another disappointment! 

What tf did i do wrong? i know i'm not perfect...

& i don't aspire to be!

it has taken me 3 years to fully forgive you. I am finally at the point where when you talk to me...

I am actually listening again.

I'm just now interested in you again.

I don't feel disgusted by you anymore, when i'm around you now

i see growth

i see maturity.

Don't get me wrong, there is still that little voice in the back of my head 

that tells me 

"Don't waste your time, don't go back!"

One thing i admire most;

is that you've never actually given up on me, i appreciate you for that.

You must see something in me that i don't see in myself

I'm not perfect

i know my flaws

I've address my flaws.

I never thought i'd enjoy being around you again.

Your aggressive with me, i like it!

You make me laugh so much it's not even funny

Normally guys are terrible at making me laugh because they just try so hard.

i never thought i'd be saying I Miss You to you ever again and actually mean it

But, I do, indeed, miss you!

3 years later, I let my guard down with you again.

Do we get back together?

or do we stay friends?

I hated you for a long time, but that soft spot i have for you never left.

I don't know.

I guess it's just unfinished business.

xoxo