Mothers Day..

i mean i guess it's cool,

when you actually have a mom!

My mother didn't raise me, 

as a matter a fact, 

she left me when i was 5

Drugs,

drug addiction...

She was addicted and couldn't stay away.

Still alive to this day,

blessed that she is still here...

But the disappointment and broken heart

will always be there!

Don't get me wrong, i love my mom

to pieces...

but my hearts hurts every day,
especially on this day....

.....Mother's Day!

As I've gotten older, I've had to teach myself how to grow into a woman. How to carry myself. As a child, i was numb that i didn't have a mom. I didn't realize how much of an impact it actually has on my life. Everyday i wish my mom would've raised me. I wish for that mother daughter relationship. Everyday...

Even now, we try to make our conversations on the phone longer....but there is not much to talk about. Sometimes i won't tell her "I love you" on purpose. Because i know it will hurt her. Sometimes i want her to feel how her absence has made me feel my whole life. 

But who is to blame?

The closest person to me is my brother. Litho, my best friend. I look at their relationship with eachother and just wonder why she is not as close to her daughter as she is to her son. She birthed both of us. But yet, them too have a closer connection. 

i don't know.

Effing Drugs...

took my mom away from me. 

But who is to blame?

I'll have my mother daughter relationship one day with my daughter(s). I want sons too. But more than anything i want little girls. So i can give them so much love! So i can give them that relationship that i always wanted with my mom.

I see myself in the future with my daughter lying on my chest, fast asleep. While tears pour from my eyes because i am so damn happy to have her. 

Lord knows how bad i want it!

Sucks that i never had a mother to give too on Mother's Day!

I would love to spoil my mom everyday.

But them drugs.....

Them drugs won't allow her to be with me. 

The devil brainwashed her into thinking he was better for her. NOT her kids. The devil told her that he will hold her captive for the rest of her life. He won't ever let her go. and she can't leave. She's tried. She's tried plenty of times. But she goes back...

She's loves him.

I hate him!!

But who is to blame?

Not me 

Not my mom

Not my brother

Here is a letter to my mom:

Mom,

I love you.

I will always love you.

I'm thankful that you are still here

Although i always fear getting that phone call in the middle of night,

that phone call...informing me that he has killed you! 

I still love you!

I still pray that one day, we still could have that mother daughter relationship.

But you have to leave that devil alone ma,

he is no good for you! Can't you see how bad he has affected our relationship? Does that even matter to you? Do you think about how i cry myself to sleep sometimes at night thinking about you? hell i'm crying right now as i write this letter to you.

I hope you find the strength to leave him mother!

if you just look up and see the light, you will see i'm still standing right here waiting for you ma. i never left you. i never judged you! i still love you!

I just want you. I want my Mom. 

oh.....before i forget, 

Happy Mothers Day,

I love you

Sincerely,

Your Daughter