one thing i don't like is being ignored.

So this one is for you!

You know who im talking too!

I know one day you will read this!

I know you still checking on me...

I know you still feel for me.

You know i use to love the crap out of you . . . did anything for you. Answered your every phone call. Came to see you whenever you wanted me too.

But you wouldnt give me what i wanted. You never wanted to commit. You kept me close to your heart yet far on your side like i was your side chick.

You told me once, you felt like i was a piece of you. You said you felt as if i was never going to leave you.

I had to separate myself from you for a few reasons, not just one. You played with my mind, making me cry, making me think one day we'd be together, thinking you would always be by my side.

This goes out too you.

Because i use to love you and i know you loved me too!

For whatever reason, you just didn't want to cross that line. Telling me i was the only girl you was messing with but i knew you was lyin

. . . . .

Yet, i still stuck around and stayed for awhile. Praying to god, hoping that one day you would come around.

Your name use to cross my mind everyday..

...............................now i barely think about you.

Im still wishing the best for you, my prayers and blessings go out to you.

Cause i could never hate you.

They say everything happens for a reason. I guess we weren't meant to be together.

I brain washed myself for so long thinking you were the only man for me. I was hoping for marriage and babies. Praying one day we'd have a happy family.

I hope you find that girl. That one that touches your heart. Hopefully yall last and never fall apart!

If i ever cross your mind, i hope you remember how down i was for you.

In my heart, i still believe, that you will never find a girl who was there for you like i was.

Cause i prayed to god about you so much, that no other woman could touch . . .

Or compare...

Cause sweetie that love i had for you is very rare. . .

In our generation!

But i aint gone talk you to death, imma end this right here. . .

Just remember if i ever cross your mind, i hope you reminisce on how much i was there . . .

for you, and only you.

This goes out to you!

Ive been listening to Biggie, Pac, Jayz, and Nas so much lately!

I realized how great of story tellers these guys are...

Overcoming obstacles, adjusting to change, facing fear!

Ive fallen in love with their music soo much more ❤

when is the last time you picked up a book and read it?

If it's been along time, go buy a book today, tomorrow, this week!!

Reading is so relaxing! Especially when you are reading a book you are truly interested in.

It puts you in a whole nother world. Me personally... I love mystery, murder, crime scene investigation books.

Reading takes you away from reality.

Its like a mini vacation ❤

If you are interested murder, mystery books... Karin Slaughter is an AMAZING author 😌  ...Thank me later!

Discipline yourself and your emotions enough to where you can forgive and let go for good. For the sake of your own well being and good health, do not keep allowing someone or something into your life that does not uplift your good spirits in the most positive ways. Let a demon be a demon...don't keep keep allowing it in your life. It's hard letting go but just give it time. Time heals everything.

Mothers Day..

i mean i guess it's cool,

when you actually have a mom!

My mother didn't raise me, 

as a matter a fact, 

she left me when i was 5

Drugs,

drug addiction...

She was addicted and couldn't stay away.

Still alive to this day,

blessed that she is still here...

But the disappointment and broken heart

will always be there!

Don't get me wrong, i love my mom

to pieces...

but my hearts hurts every day,
especially on this day....

.....Mother's Day!

As I've gotten older, I've had to teach myself how to grow into a woman. How to carry myself. As a child, i was numb that i didn't have a mom. I didn't realize how much of an impact it actually has on my life. Everyday i wish my mom would've raised me. I wish for that mother daughter relationship. Everyday...

Even now, we try to make our conversations on the phone longer....but there is not much to talk about. Sometimes i won't tell her "I love you" on purpose. Because i know it will hurt her. Sometimes i want her to feel how her absence has made me feel my whole life. 

But who is to blame?

The closest person to me is my brother. Litho, my best friend. I look at their relationship with eachother and just wonder why she is not as close to her daughter as she is to her son. She birthed both of us. But yet, them too have a closer connection. 

i don't know.

Effing Drugs...

took my mom away from me. 

But who is to blame?

I'll have my mother daughter relationship one day with my daughter(s). I want sons too. But more than anything i want little girls. So i can give them so much love! So i can give them that relationship that i always wanted with my mom.

I see myself in the future with my daughter lying on my chest, fast asleep. While tears pour from my eyes because i am so damn happy to have her. 

Lord knows how bad i want it!

Sucks that i never had a mother to give too on Mother's Day!

I would love to spoil my mom everyday.

But them drugs.....

Them drugs won't allow her to be with me. 

The devil brainwashed her into thinking he was better for her. NOT her kids. The devil told her that he will hold her captive for the rest of her life. He won't ever let her go. and she can't leave. She's tried. She's tried plenty of times. But she goes back...

She's loves him.

I hate him!!

But who is to blame?

Not me 

Not my mom

Not my brother

Here is a letter to my mom:

Mom,

I love you.

I will always love you.

I'm thankful that you are still here

Although i always fear getting that phone call in the middle of night,

that phone call...informing me that he has killed you! 

I still love you!

I still pray that one day, we still could have that mother daughter relationship.

But you have to leave that devil alone ma,

he is no good for you! Can't you see how bad he has affected our relationship? Does that even matter to you? Do you think about how i cry myself to sleep sometimes at night thinking about you? hell i'm crying right now as i write this letter to you.

I hope you find the strength to leave him mother!

if you just look up and see the light, you will see i'm still standing right here waiting for you ma. i never left you. i never judged you! i still love you!

I just want you. I want my Mom. 

oh.....before i forget, 

Happy Mothers Day,

I love you

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

the first post i made in 2014.....

I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and emotions verbally.

I've decided to try out this blog thing, to give outsiders a simple

insight of my mind. Sometimes my mind get's so clustered that

I get distracted, my thoughts lose direction, and everything

sprials and falls out of place.

I find it easy and relaxing to write.

Mentally

Connect

With

Me

. . .

so my semester is over and i have alot of free time on my hands

Im not taking any summer classes.

My goal this summer is only to fall in love with myself...

take random trips out of state
experience new things

I just want to do more.

Ive dedidcated half my life to school and work to the point where i completely forget to do things for myself first.

Ill be moving to another city, far from anyone i know.

So i can be alone purposely!

Im taking this time off to truly get back in touch with myself and become my own bestfriend ❤

you ever just want to lay in someones arms in complete silence?

i dont want to say a word,

I just want to be held.

my silence says it all

you ever want to be someones weakness and you..their strength?

Someone who makes it all right.

A simple hug with a few words "everything will be okay"

I can openly admit that i put so much on myself at once. I stress. I have anxiety.

I feel like the only man who will ever complete me is the one who is so willing to hold me and okay with me being quite for awhile. He just knows. He understands. The one who will take my hand and kiss me until the day ends.