Friday
Wednesday
A dream that turned into a story.. Part 2
"Susie, lower your voice please, daddy is in the next room." It breaks my heart to hear my daughter say she is scared of her own father. "mommy, i saw something..." i look into Susie's eyes. She knows something, i know she knows. "what is it baby?" "you have to promise not to tell daddy mommy." I carefully get up, and walk over to the door. I quietly crack it open to look over into the next room to see if Fred is still sleep. I close the door back, pushing the towel back under the crack. I even start to run the water in the sink to cover up our voices. "what is it baby, you can tell mommy anything?"
"Mommy daddy is not a good person...
"Mommy daddy is not a good person...
Please don't drink and drive!
Screeching tires, shattering glass, twisted metal, fiber glass
The scene is set, it all goes black. The curtain raised it's final act. Sirens raging in the night, sounds of horror gasps of fright. Intense pain, the smell of blood, tearing eyes begin to flood.
They pull out our bodies one by one,
"What is going on, we were only having fun?"
One of my friends is missing, what did i do?
Her scattered belongings everywhere, in the road there lies her shoe.
A man is leaning over me, looking in my eyes,
"What were you thinking son?"
"Did you really think you could drive?"
He pulled up the sheet still looking in my eyes.
"If only you'd called your mom or dad, you'd still be alive!"
I started to scream, I started to yell!
But no one could hear me, no one could tell.
They put me in an ambulance; they took me away. The doctor at the hospital exclaimed, "DOA!"
My father's in shock, my mother in tears, she collapses in grief, overcome by fear.
They take me to this house and place me in this box.
I keep asking what is happening, but I can't make it stop.
Everyone is crying, my family is so sad. I wish someone would answer me, I'm starting to get mad.
My mother leans over me and kisses me goodbye. My father pulling her away, she is screaming "WHY?"
They lower my body into a dirt grave, it feels so very cold, I yell to be saved.
Then I see an angel; I begin to cry.
"Can you tell me what is happening?"
She replies, "YOU DIED"
I can't be dead i'm still so young, i want to do so many things like sing, dance and run.
What about college or graduation day? What about a wedding? Please, i want to stay.
The angel looked upon me, and with a saddened voice,
"It didn't have to end like this, you knew you had a choice."
"I'm sorry, it's too late now; time I can't turn back, you'r life is finished son; and that is a fact."
Why did this happen? I didn't want to die!
The angel, she embraced me and with her words she sighed
"Son, this is the consequence you paid to drink and drive, I wish you'd made a better choice, if you did, you would be alive. It doesn't matter if you beg me, or plead on a bended knee, there is nothing I can do, you have to come with me."
Looking down at my family, I said my last goodbye.
I'm sorry I disappointed you dad, mom..please don't cry.
I didn't mean to hurt you or cause you any pain, I'm sorry all your left with is a grave that bears my name. I'm sorry all your dreams for me have all been ripped away. The plans for my future all gathered in a grave.
It was such a stupid thing I did, I wish i could take it back;
But the curtain is being lowered.
SO ENDS THE FINAL ACT...
Tuesday
Baby I'm happy you're home,
Let me hold you in my arms
I just want to take the stress away from you..making sure i'm doing my part, Boy is there something you need me to do? If you want, I got it. Say the word, I will try it. I know whatever i'm not fulfilling, another woman is willing, I'm going to fulfill your mind, body and spirit.
I promise you, I'll keep myself up. Remain the same chick, you fell in love with. I'll keep it tight, I'll keep my figure right. I'll keep my hair fixed, keep rocking the hottest outfits. When you come home late tap me on my shoulder..I'll roll over. Baby i heard you, I'm here to serve you. If it's love you need, to give it is my joy. All i want to do is cater to you boy.
Monday
On & On..
Peace and blessings manifest with every lesson learn,
If your knowledge were your wealth then it will be well earn
If we were made in his image then call us by our names
Most intellects do not believe in god but they fear us just the same
-Badu is saying that if we're all made in god's image, then we deserve the same respect, so call me by my name, nothing else...most intellects are convinced that god doesn't exist, but the fear of a higher being or some other unknown force like fate scares us all..
Saturday
"Smoking and stress become a vicious cycle in which people smoke because they are stressed and then become more stressed because they smoke"
When smokers quit...
Within 20 minutes..your heart rate goes down.
Within 3 months..your circulation and lung function improves.
Within 9 months..you start to breathe easier and cough less.
Within 12 months..the carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.
After 1 year.. your coronary heart disease risk is cut in half.
After 5 years..your risk of cancer of the mouth, throat and bladder is cut in half.
After 10 years..your risk of dying from lung cancer is cut in half.
After 15 years..the risk of coronary heart disease is the same as a non-smokers.
A woman is supposed to be a mans soft touch..Basically I've been analyzing and learning myself. As i continue to grow into a woman..i want to actually feel like i'm growing into a woman. I remind myself daily to walk with my head up. I don't care to be that "hard" female..I never did. I like to be that soft warm touch. I want to be that soft body that my man can lay on and feel at ease. just that soft womanly vibe that is so noticeable and attractive. I just want to continue to better myself as a woman. Confidence. Walking with more confidence, talking with more confidence. Expressing myself more freely..less cursing, more smiling, laughing, being nice and being calm. Peace of Mind.Self-Respect.Self- Worth. I've decided to change for a better me.
found an old writing in my phone ❤️
I want to be happy
I want to be wealthy
I want a new start
I want my own apartment
I want a good man
I want happiness
I want to find myself
I want a puppy
I want a best friend
I want happiness
I want to be free
I want a good loyal relationship
I want a closer relationship with God
I want a closer relationship with my mom
I want to graduate from college
I want happiness
I want to live my life
I want to be wealthy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want a good man in my life
I want a good relationship
I want positivity
I want to let go of negativity
I want to be happy
I want a closer relationship with my mom
I want a closer relationship with God
I want to be happy
I want to find myself
I want to open myself up to the world more
I want happiness
I want a fresh start
I want my own place
I want my own apartment
I want to be wealthy
I just want to be happy ❤️
Monday
Let it go...😷
Control....Abuse. Tuesday morning, I lost control. I needed it, my body was tired, stressed. I felt this could be the only thing that calmed me down. Battling my alarm clock at 7am, but, the thought of that inhale, got me right out of bed. Tuesday morning, 4.89 one pack. Low on income, but this was important, so I had to have it. Back to back, that tobacco filled my lungs. Feeling at ease, while feeling like shit. Hurting my body, asking myself do I really love myself like I say I do! Tuesday night, I reached for the lighter, and next...the pack. Empty. Empty? How the hell is it empty already? Did I really smoke all FIVE that fast?!!! Frustrated with anger, realizing I'm letting this shit get to my head! I'm not angry that there's none left. I'm angry I smoked them all within a few hours. Countless tobacco. My lungs must hate me. I can't love my body smoking. Wednesday morning, no smokes. Felt down, because I didn't have my daily dose I'm so use to. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. I had $25 in my pocket. After I put gas in my car, I gave my money to tobacco. He told me to give it to him. He told me if I didn't give it to him, he'd make me go crazy. He said it's not control, I'm helping you. He said it's not abuse, I love you. I can't even count how many black and milds I smoked Thursday. I allowed him to take over. He took over my mind for that whole day. Almost as if I was helpless. I was tobacco's slave on Thursday. Tobacco had me chained to him. He dragged me around for so long, I thought we were just so deeply in love with each other. I was so blind to realize I was in an abusive, controlling relationship. Thursday night. After work. I lay my head down in my bed. I start to feel this major headache coming. I felt like crap. I told myself at that point, that I've had enough. As I looked back on the week I had had, I realized how much I let tobacco take over. So evil right? At that point I hated him, I wanted him out of my life. Friday morning. Breakdown. Friday morning was different, I woke up feeling sad. As memories started to fill my mind, tears came upon my eyes. As i remember that I lost my mother.....to an addiction! Substance abuse. I told myself I am not my mothers child. I will not get carried away, and let something so stupid control me. I realize that over the past few days, I felt myself becoming maybe, just a little....addicted. I couldn't have this go on any longer. I broke down Friday morning. I told tobacco I was through with him and he was no longer welcomed in my life. He was so mind controlling. I just had enough. I was mad it took me so long to get to that point. I smoked for roughly 2 years. DONE. I had to regain myself, love myself, and realize I'm worth to much to allow anything or anyone to control me. We said our goodbyes, he said he'd always be there. I hated him. I told him to just stay away....forever this time. so long....
Faith 💕
First off, I'd like to take the time to apologize to the power above me...god. I love the saying "Let Go, Let God" it's so powerful. Yet sometimes I am to scared to let go. For some reason I feel like I'm letting go of all my troubles and giving them to someone else. Well obviously that's what the quote means clearly, but... It's like idk, I would be so stubborn and think if I hand my problems to someone else, they're going to mess up with I think is going right or what I want to go right. I've been so stupid. Realizing everything happens for a reason, in which I am a strong believer of that quote....but I had to realize it's not working out because it's not meant to work out, it may not be meant to work out right now at this very second in my life. God has better things planned for me. He knows what's ahead me. He already knows what troubles I am going to face down the road, but those obstacles will just make me stronger mentally. I've been through so much my whole life, in which I'm sure we all can relate. Everybody has a story. You have to sit back and realize your story was made for a reason. Love your life story, embrace it! Embrace all your struggles, your hard times, and your good times! Embrace everything god has given. And be thankful for those bad times and good times. I just get so caught up in what I'm doing, I get so stressed. And sometimes it's like I don't want to hand it over to another person...I want to work it out myself and organize everything myself. After awhile I realize I can't do it. I can't handle all that's being thrown at me! I love the fact that I am mentally strong because I WILL put myself through something for the longest trying to fix it, make it right, make it go my way.....until finally....I just break. That's when I become humble. I fall back. I realize who sits above me. I apologize to him for ignoring his abilities to help me. and then I pray again. But with me it's a never ending cycle. Once I get so caught up in something, I try and try and try to make it go my way no matter what it takes. Count your blessings.....
Thursday
food for thought...
Don't worry, you may think you'll never get over it...
But you also thought it would last forever...
Wednesday
Saturday
Monday
Sunday
Saturday
I stopped caring for being in a relationship. I've realized how much I can offer and what I can do for my other. I've realized my self worth. I haven't met someone worth giving my all too. I haven't met someone who can meet me halfway. I'll continue to carry myself well until love comes too me. Once you start loving yourself you realize how happy you are within yourself.
Thursday
Monday
Wednesday
Late Night Thoughts...
This is probably the most open post I have on here...had to post again ❤️
The Perfect Boyfriend list..
Taller than me
Cute smile
Tells me I'm beautiful
Encourages me
Honest and open with me
Accepts my flaws
Loyal
Good conversation
Protects me
Funny
Ambitious
Goal oriented
Constantly showing he cares
-❤️
Monday
Sunday
Saturday
Quote of the night.. ❤️
Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.
Thursday
when you finally feel like everything is starting to come together. When the things you worked so hard for, start to fall in place. Although your journey may be long, stressful, annoying...at some point you have to realize to take it one step at a time. Continue to have faith in yourself, trust yourself, and go beyond your expectations. Don't limit yourself. There is no limit to anything. Expect the worse before you meet your best...
Wednesday
Tuesday
I know how it feels to give someone your all and still feel unappreciated. Knowing you'd give that person your last, and they'd just take you for granted. At some point you have to realize you have someone else to think about, which is yourself. Realize what you bring to the table. If they don't compare to what you can offer, then leave them. It will just get worse and worse. Putting your all into something for nothing. All your doing is losing yourself trying to please someone else. Your keeping them happy but they don't even TRY to put in effort to keep you happy.
-lesson learned
Monday
Quote of the night...
Let go of the need for your life to be a certain way,
Be open to new ways of looking at things,
Be flexible to new ideas and outlooks,
Let go of the fear of the unknown,
Be yourself and follow your true path.
I open the safe. lock and key in hand. as I look back on 2014, I sort out all the events that have taken place. As the year starts to fade I realize how much I've grown mentally. I look at anything that went wrong and how I overcame those obstacles. remembering how many times I've cried, felt down, and felt like giving up. I notice my circle of friends has become smaller. Crazy how you can be so close with someone and then after a few months that communication starts to die away. I'm happy with how my year went. I've grown to realize that I come first. For years, I put everybody else before me. I've grown mentally as far as relationships. I learned to stop settling for less. I've realized I can do better than who I was involved with. As 2014 starts to fade, I take those memories and store them. I will lock them away, and burn the key. I don't want to reopen anything that has happened thus far. I want to keep moving forward. I don't want to rekindle any past relationships or friendships I had in 2014. I want more. I want better. I want different. As 2014 starts fade, I become more appreciative. I feel more comfortable with myself. I start to love myself. I want 2015 to be better, greater, and I want to have more experiences. As I slowly reach 2015, I start to organize different things I want to accomplish. I just want to keep growing mentally. Thank you 2014 for everything you have gave to me. Although some of your gifts and surprises weren't so good, I appreciate you taking the time to help me realize a lot of things. I won't forget you, but I won't ever come back to you. I'm moving on to 2015 with a whole different aspect. You made me become stronger, mentally. You've helped me open my eyes and realize that everyone I meet... will not stay. You gave me a terrible relationship with someone lol, but as I look back... I see what you were doing. Now I know better and now I can do better. I will always keep you as a memory. I will always remember you. But our time is now coming to an end. I am now closing the lock. As I kiss you goodbye, the key burns.
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