Let it go...😷

Control....Abuse. Tuesday morning, I lost control. I needed it, my body was tired, stressed. I felt this could be the only thing that calmed me down. Battling my alarm clock at 7am, but, the thought of that inhale, got me right out of bed. Tuesday morning, 4.89 one pack. Low on income, but this was important, so I had to have it. Back to back, that tobacco filled my lungs. Feeling at ease, while feeling like shit. Hurting my body, asking myself do I really love myself like I say I do! Tuesday night, I reached for the lighter, and next...the pack. Empty. Empty? How the hell is it empty already? Did I really smoke all FIVE that fast?!!! Frustrated with anger, realizing I'm letting this shit get to my head! I'm not angry that there's none left. I'm angry I smoked them all within a few hours. Countless tobacco. My lungs must hate me. I can't love my body smoking. Wednesday morning, no smokes. Felt down, because I didn't have my daily dose I'm so use to. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. I had $25 in my pocket. After I put gas in my car, I gave my money to tobacco. He told me to give it to him. He told me if I didn't give it to him, he'd make me go crazy. He said it's not control, I'm helping you. He said it's not abuse, I love you. I can't even count how many black and milds I smoked Thursday. I allowed him to take over. He took over my mind for that whole day. Almost as if I was helpless. I was tobacco's slave on Thursday. Tobacco had me chained to him. He dragged me around for so long, I thought we were just so deeply in love with each other. I was so blind to realize I was in an abusive, controlling relationship. Thursday night. After work. I lay my head down in my bed. I start to feel this major headache coming. I felt like crap. I told myself at that point, that I've had enough. As I looked back on the week I had had, I realized how much I let tobacco take over. So evil right? At that point I hated him, I wanted him out of my life. Friday morning. Breakdown. Friday morning was different, I woke up feeling sad. As memories started to fill my mind, tears came upon my eyes. As i remember that I lost my mother.....to an addiction! Substance abuse. I told myself I am not my mothers child. I will not get carried away, and let something so stupid control me. I realize that over the past few days, I felt myself becoming maybe, just a little....addicted. I couldn't have this go on any longer. I broke down Friday morning. I told tobacco I was through with him and he was no longer welcomed in my life. He was so mind controlling. I just had enough. I was mad it took me so long to get to that point. I smoked for roughly 2 years. DONE. I had to regain myself, love myself, and realize I'm worth to much to allow anything or anyone to control me. We said our goodbyes, he said he'd always be there. I hated him. I told him to just stay away....forever this time. so long....