Monday
Let it go...😷
Control....Abuse. Tuesday morning, I lost control. I needed it, my body was tired, stressed. I felt this could be the only thing that calmed me down. Battling my alarm clock at 7am, but, the thought of that inhale, got me right out of bed. Tuesday morning, 4.89 one pack. Low on income, but this was important, so I had to have it. Back to back, that tobacco filled my lungs. Feeling at ease, while feeling like shit. Hurting my body, asking myself do I really love myself like I say I do! Tuesday night, I reached for the lighter, and next...the pack. Empty. Empty? How the hell is it empty already? Did I really smoke all FIVE that fast?!!! Frustrated with anger, realizing I'm letting this shit get to my head! I'm not angry that there's none left. I'm angry I smoked them all within a few hours. Countless tobacco. My lungs must hate me. I can't love my body smoking. Wednesday morning, no smokes. Felt down, because I didn't have my daily dose I'm so use to. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. I had $25 in my pocket. After I put gas in my car, I gave my money to tobacco. He told me to give it to him. He told me if I didn't give it to him, he'd make me go crazy. He said it's not control, I'm helping you. He said it's not abuse, I love you. I can't even count how many black and milds I smoked Thursday. I allowed him to take over. He took over my mind for that whole day. Almost as if I was helpless. I was tobacco's slave on Thursday. Tobacco had me chained to him. He dragged me around for so long, I thought we were just so deeply in love with each other. I was so blind to realize I was in an abusive, controlling relationship. Thursday night. After work. I lay my head down in my bed. I start to feel this major headache coming. I felt like crap. I told myself at that point, that I've had enough. As I looked back on the week I had had, I realized how much I let tobacco take over. So evil right? At that point I hated him, I wanted him out of my life. Friday morning. Breakdown. Friday morning was different, I woke up feeling sad. As memories started to fill my mind, tears came upon my eyes. As i remember that I lost my mother.....to an addiction! Substance abuse. I told myself I am not my mothers child. I will not get carried away, and let something so stupid control me. I realize that over the past few days, I felt myself becoming maybe, just a little....addicted. I couldn't have this go on any longer. I broke down Friday morning. I told tobacco I was through with him and he was no longer welcomed in my life. He was so mind controlling. I just had enough. I was mad it took me so long to get to that point. I smoked for roughly 2 years. DONE. I had to regain myself, love myself, and realize I'm worth to much to allow anything or anyone to control me. We said our goodbyes, he said he'd always be there. I hated him. I told him to just stay away....forever this time. so long....
Faith 💕
First off, I'd like to take the time to apologize to the power above me...god. I love the saying "Let Go, Let God" it's so powerful. Yet sometimes I am to scared to let go. For some reason I feel like I'm letting go of all my troubles and giving them to someone else. Well obviously that's what the quote means clearly, but... It's like idk, I would be so stubborn and think if I hand my problems to someone else, they're going to mess up with I think is going right or what I want to go right. I've been so stupid. Realizing everything happens for a reason, in which I am a strong believer of that quote....but I had to realize it's not working out because it's not meant to work out, it may not be meant to work out right now at this very second in my life. God has better things planned for me. He knows what's ahead me. He already knows what troubles I am going to face down the road, but those obstacles will just make me stronger mentally. I've been through so much my whole life, in which I'm sure we all can relate. Everybody has a story. You have to sit back and realize your story was made for a reason. Love your life story, embrace it! Embrace all your struggles, your hard times, and your good times! Embrace everything god has given. And be thankful for those bad times and good times. I just get so caught up in what I'm doing, I get so stressed. And sometimes it's like I don't want to hand it over to another person...I want to work it out myself and organize everything myself. After awhile I realize I can't do it. I can't handle all that's being thrown at me! I love the fact that I am mentally strong because I WILL put myself through something for the longest trying to fix it, make it right, make it go my way.....until finally....I just break. That's when I become humble. I fall back. I realize who sits above me. I apologize to him for ignoring his abilities to help me. and then I pray again. But with me it's a never ending cycle. Once I get so caught up in something, I try and try and try to make it go my way no matter what it takes. Count your blessings.....
Thursday
food for thought...
Don't worry, you may think you'll never get over it...
But you also thought it would last forever...
Wednesday
Saturday
Monday
Sunday
Saturday
I stopped caring for being in a relationship. I've realized how much I can offer and what I can do for my other. I've realized my self worth. I haven't met someone worth giving my all too. I haven't met someone who can meet me halfway. I'll continue to carry myself well until love comes too me. Once you start loving yourself you realize how happy you are within yourself.
Thursday
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